Pit Fighter

"The Hall Of Shame" was never meant to be a huge part of this website though with gaming abominations like Pit Fighter it's hard not see it growing rather quickly.

"Pit Fighter" was originally released in 1990 on Arcade machines though would later be ported to a wide number of home consoles including the Sega Mega Drive and the SNES (it's the SNES version we're reviewing here) and really stink up the living room.

The game, in all it's versions is a fighting game that seems to have taken ideas from "Fight Club" and thrown it in to a grinder with Mortal Kombat and then added a control method that seems to have been sent straight from hell.

 The player controls one of 3 characters (Buzz or Ty on the home console versions, whilst "Kato" was also playable in the arcade original). Despite the images and stuff looking "OK" on the character select screen, this is about the only time the game does anything other than stink out the joint.

Firstly the controls, or rather the attempt at controls. The problem is that the controls seem to have been set up by someone who has never played a video game and has decided not to try them for the game. They are dodgy, harsh and seem to respond randomly. This is added to the computer generated characters that never seem to miss and seem to be able to deck you swiftly and really hurt you. This combines to make the game as difficult to play as trying to cut your finger nails with a bread knife and almost as enjoyable.

Added to the extreme difficulty  and poor controls are turgid graphics that feel like they are trying to rape your eyes. It appears as if you are fighting in a Dojo though even that is hard to be sure of as it really just looks like a generic and dire design. Whilst the level design is poor the character models are wooden and horrific which makes you wonder just who thought any of it looked good.
Whilst you may wish to say "Oh but it is 20 years old" that's not really an excuse, I've seen older games that look better, play better and are over all a much more enjoyable experience than this half arsed attempt at a fighting game.

What Pit Fighter does do well however is make it completely obvious when you need to stop playing. After you get beaten you see a very clear image of "GAME OVER", thankfully after seeing this screen once or twice you'll agree and never play this wretched abortion ever again.

With fighting games like Street Fight II and Mortal Kombat II you have NO REASON to every subject yourself to this dreadful excuse for a game. If you collect dreadful games whack this on your list, if you play games for fun however stay away from this.

12%

Details:
Console-Arcade, Sega Mega Drive, SNES and a host of others
Release-1990 (Arcade)
Developer-Atari Games
Genre-Fighting
Players-1 or 2 on home consoles, 1-3 on the arcade

Trivia:
This is often referred to as the worst SNES game ever, and I happen to agree
The games animations were originally done on bluescreen, this was one of the first games to do things that way.

Barney's Hide & Seek Game

Warning: This game is awful, please do not hunt it down, it's not worth the time or effort.

Now I had to start the review with that as some fool (you know who you are) WILL go and download this game and will go "you are talking garbage mate, it can't be that bad", trust me, it is...thankfully however it will complete it's self if you leave it to it's own devices.

Anyway onto, arguably the worst Mega Drive game in history which, as you may had realised is based on Barney, the big purple smiling idiotic looking dinosaur. In the early 1990's "Barney and Friends" was one of children's TV's biggest...stars and in 1993 Realtime Associates along with Sega were responsible for bringing the Barney to the home console market.

The player controls Barney as he goes looking for a number of children and items associated with the children in a slightly more interactive version of the  equally appalling The Great Search for Waldo. Barney can hand on to balloons, jump and walk and yet no matter what he does, you can't help but want to punch the ugly grinning fool. What you swiftly realise though is that he walks as slowly as an old peadophile chasing down a bunch of pre-schoolers. This idea of pedophilia just gets worse when he actually finds on of the poor kids and hugs them. Not only does Barney hold them tightly but he also seems to sniff their hair and smile as he wraps his ugly, stumpy pink arms around the children.


As well as the nasty thoughts about Barney and children that would make Gary Glitter want to dress up in such a ridiculous costume you also come across 2 other very weird parts to the game. First you cannot kill Barney. If you try to step into the water or off a ledge you get Barney holding a stop sign. I thought for a second that this was subliminal messaging telling me to stop playing so then left the control and came to the other issue and the one that might make Stevie Wonder happy. If you leave the control for a minute or two Barney will walk through the entire game with out you needing to press anything. The smiling happy dope will literally complete his own game.

I really have no idea who decided that any of this was a good idea, I really need to wonder about the sanity of not only the programmers but also the poor folk that have played this, it's nothing short of a gaming nightmare that actually makes the aforementioned Waldo game look like good, challenging fun.

I was going to finish this by saying that this is the video gaming equivalent to self harm but it's not, the game completes it's self so it's more like video gaming assault. Really avoid it, avoid it like the plague, it'll last you 5 minutes of actual gaming as you swiftly breeze through it, then another 5 minutes of watching it complete it's self.

9%

Details:
Console-Sega Mega Drive
Release-1993
Developer-Realtime Associates
Genre-Self completing platform game
Players-1

Trivia:
Despite Barney being unable to go into the water on 1 level he's happy to walk underwater in another level and is unable to drown.
This game was the cause of "Retro Video Game Reviews' Hall of Shame"

Kirby Dream Land

The Game Boy's release in the late 1980's gave portable gaming a real kick start and while Tetris was the undisputed king of the handheld Kirby was one of the key characters of the console thanks to Kirby's Dream Land series. The first game in the series was released in 1992 and it was the first appearance of the almighty video gaming bumble gum lookey likey and it was one of the Game Boy's top selling games (over 5,000,000 units).

As one may expect from the name of the game the player controls Kirby, a small round character with feet and arms and little else. The character is

simple yet cute and oddly effective as a key franchise character (who has now been in over 20 games since Dream Land). Kirby's skills are being able to jump, float like a balloon, spit bubbles at enemies and swallow enemies (which he can then spit at opponents). Whilst Kirby would later (in future games) progress to the point where he could devour enemies (and steal their skills) he was unable to in Dream Land which may feel a bit disconcerting if you've played the more modern games before playing the original Dream Land.

The game is in monochrome through out (due to the limitations of the Game Boy) though despite this it actually looks rather good with clear sprites and well designed enemies. Sadly though the guy does have a wide number of limitations outside of the graphics. Firstly the game isn't very long lasting, in fact it only has a handful of levels and it can quite comfortably be complete in an hour and a half (which is a bit of a relief as the original game lacks a save feature). The key problem (and also the reason why it's so short) is that much of the game is just far too simple, aside from the Bosses all the enemies are very easy to kill or get around and the levels can often be "flown" across by Kirby which takes much of the challenge out of the game.

Whilst Kirby would later become one of the icons of Nintendo games this was a bit of an under-stated debut and lacks the complexity of some of the later Kirby games. Whilst it's surely aimed at kids I would assume they'd rather play Mario (or even Sonic) rather than Kirby Dream Land. That's not to say it's a bad game, just too simple and too short and with it's recent release on the Nintendo Virtual Console 3DS it's certainly not a much buy.

71%

Details:
Console-Game Boy
Release-1992
Developer-HAL Laboratory
Genre-2D Platformer
Players-1

Trivia:
Kirby is one of very few platform characters who didn't kill enemies by jumping on their head (much like DoRemi Fantasy)
Kirby was originally a dummy character that was used for testing until folks at HAL Laboratory decided they liked him.

EarthBound

When it comes to great RPG's on the SNES the first names to pop into your mind might be the Final Fantasy series, Chrono Trigger or even Terranigma, but EarthBound (or "Mother 2" as it's also known in Japan) holds it's own and is by far the most original with weird enemies, trippy graphics and a bunch of weird weaponry.

EarthBound sees the player in control of Ness, a young boy who is later joined by Paula, Jeff and Poo as they go around the world trying to defeat Gigyas, an ultra powerful enemy. The adventure sees the characters fighting with hippies, old men, ants, a giant blob of puke and dinosaurs as the you go through a variety of caves, forests and peculiar dungeons.

Whilst on the face of it is just "another RPG" with a weird theme it's the heart of the game that makes is really stand out. Not only is it set in the modern day (as opposed to being set in the past), with references to The Beatles and weapons such as Yo-yo's and Frying Pans but it also has a very unique charm to it that makes you want to carry on playing. It's weird, it's wacky and wonderful.

Not only is it a very unique game in terms of it's themes and characters it's also a very full game. Each character has a number of weapons, a number of attacks (many of which are psychic based) and a number of stats which change as the player levels up. The game will give you at least 15 hours of fun and enjoyment, in fact on a first play through you can easily expect to get double that especially if you want to collect everything in the game.

Despite being a long and weird game it's got it's own flaws. One of the major complaints is that the characters have a very limited item space. With the game having quite a number of necessary items and things like weapons, clothing and food items you find your inventory regularly full. Even if you store the items you still find yourself really struggling to balance how many you are carrying at any one time.

Whilst at times you may get a little frustrated with the game you'll find you've fallen in love with it and simply want to play it. It's kooky, it's funny, it's bizarre and it's brilliant. Whether your an out and out RPG fan or not this really is a game you MUST play. Thankfully it does have an inbuilt save function which really comes in handy (though original cartridges may be finding that the battery back up is beginning to die now well over a decade after the game was released).

It's huge, it's fun, it's addictive and it's one of the most amazing SNES games you will ever be able to play and now it's out on the Virtual Console so you really have to play it now!

94%

Details:
Console-SNES
Release-1994 (Japan) 1995 (USA)
Developer-APE, HAL Laboratory
Genre-RPG
Players-1

Trivia:
The game has long been associated with the Super Smash Bros. series, with Ness and Lucas being playable characters and Onett (one of the games towns) being a stage in Super Smash Bros Melee
The game was the follow up to Mother (or Earth Bound Zero) a Japan only release that would later get a fan translation by Demiforce

The Great Waldo Search

Licensed games were all the rage in the 1990's whether it was an iconic cartoon character such as Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck, a sports star like Wayne Gretzsky or Brian Lara every other game seemed to be licensed at one point. Whilst some licensed games were amazing ("Aladdin" on the Mega Drive for example) other were simply atrocious and "The Great Waldo Search" certainly sits in the second category.

 If you are in your late teens or early 20's you will almost certainly remember the "Where's Wally?" or "Where's Waldo?" (In the US and Canada) books that most primary schools were littered with. The books were full of colour images and you have to find items in the book (most obviously the title character). They were the sort of colorful and interesting things that would keep a small child busy for a lunch time when it's raining and they were pretty cheap and good fun...sadly someone from Radiance thought it was a great idea for a game. The folks from Radiance however were wrong, very, very wrong.

When you start playing 1 of the 5 levels (which can be played in almost any order) you notice a lot of things. Firstly the graphics, they look like a 12 year old has been told to draw and scene and just stick in the Waldo/Wally character, they look garish and completely lack the charm of the books. The music is a further off putting feature and sounds incredibly naff.

The gameplay however is exactly what you would expect, you need to take a magnifying glass and click it over the items you are searching for (such as Waldo). It's simple but a bit too simple, in fact you can play through the whole game in little more than 10 minutes, which in a way is a relief as you're unlikely to want to spend much longer having your eyes abused by the graphics.

To call this a simple cash in is to state the obvious. It must be avoided like the plague, it's garish, cheap and has the life span of a may fly.

17%

Details:
Console-Sega Mega Drive, SNES and NES
Release-1992
Developer-Radiance
Genre-Puzzle
Players-1

Trivia:
The game was only released in north America (thankfully)
The game is based on the 3rd book in the series created by Martin Handford

Brian Lara Cricket '96

 When I was a little boy I was cricket obsessed, most of my family played the sport and as a result I'd been dragged into it. If you were a cricket fan during the 1990's one man stood out, that man was Brian Lara who was a living legend. It's rare to be called an icon whilst your still active in any sport but Lara was an icon, he's set numerous records and was a special cricketer. Whilst I wouldn't go as far as to say a one in a generation player (especially not what he was playing at the same time as the Little Master, Sachin Tendulkar) he was one of the greats and Codemasters knew it. If there was one thing the Mega Drive (or Gensis) did, it was make licensed sports games and Brian Lara was the name to attach to a cricket game.

The original Brian Lara cricket was released in 1995 and the following year Mega Drive fans were treated to a vastly superior update in "Brian Lara Cricket  '96". The game was simple, it was cricket what could possibly go wrong?
Well sadly an awful lot didn't quite go right. Despite a huge number of options and various matches the game sadly seemed to just lack something. In fact it seemed like much of the game was "OK" but could have been better. The music for example played only during the menu with the main game having limited sounds for the ball hitting the bat and the crowd clapping a boundary, the controls seemed to be fine until you got around to fielding which was just a total nightmare and the graphics, although decent for the era were often dull.

Despite the issues with the presentation and the somewhat difficult controls that seemed to rely on luck at times, it was oddly playable and could easily keep you busy for a few hours, especially if you were playing with a mate. It was perhaps the games multiplayer mode that did save the game from being a bit of a duck. It was whilst playing the multiplayer that you ignored the poor sounds, you gave up caring about the slightly dodgy fielding and you instead revisited the Ashes whilst sledging each other in front of the TV.
Yes it was childish but my god was it ever fun to taunt your mate who was unable to stop the series of fours that just drifted past fielders.

The single player mode of the game did have a lot of depth, ranging from Test Series, to World cups, a practice mode and even a create a team option. Whilst the game has a lot of depth the single player mode sadly fails to ignite the same levels of fun as the multiplayer mode. As a result you may find yourself unable to enjoy what is effectively an out dated product that has more than just a few flaws. Whilst it doesn't do much "wrong" as such it just doesn't really do much "right".

67%

Details:
Console-Sega Mega Drive (Europe only)
Release-1996
Developer-Codemaster
Genre- Sport (Cricket)
Players-1-4

Trivia:
A version of the game was released in Australia baring the name of "Shane Warne" the immortal Australian leg spin.
Using the create a team option you could (if you were bored) pretty much re-create any actual teams playing today.

DoReMi Fantasy: Milon's DokiDoki Adventure

The title screen

 It's funny how some fantastic games were never released outside of Japan and DoReMi Fantasy: Milon's DokiDoki Adventure was one such game until coming to the Virtual Console some 12 years after Japanese gaming fans got their hands on this fantastic platforming gem. The Japanese got this classic on the Super Famicom in 1996 and sadly it was never translated (officially) into English (though RPGONE have done a fan translation of the game).

In the game you control Milon (from the games title) who has to go through 7 worlds collecting musical instruments (including an Ocarina for you Zelda fans out there) with a number of levels contained in each
 of these worlds.

Before we get onto the actual game play the first thing you will notice is just how fantastic the game looks. The characters look brilliant the backgrounds are amazing and the game just looks like it's a game that was made to look beautiful. Every level is wonderfully good looking and the presentation makes it something you want to look at and almost admire when you should be playing the game. This is aided massively by music that sounds as good as the game looks it has a very fantasy sound to it and although it was on the Super Famicom the whole presentation is second to none...except for the fact it's in Japanese (see the screen shot to the right.
So now onto the gameplay, your in control of the Milon, the little guy you can see in the screenshots (looking oddly like Link in the screenshot to the left). You can move left and right, enter doorways, jump and...blow bubbles. The bubbles are Milon's main offense and can be blown at enemies to trap them allowing you to push them off the screen, if you jump on enemies (as was typical in other platformers from that error) you merely stun them. The bubbles can also be used be used to break the various blocks you see on your travels through out the game.

As you go through Milon's adventure you come across a number of collectable items including musical notes, winged boots, extra lives, clothes, bubblegum and bowling balls which each have their own use. For example collecting 100 notes will make you invincible for a short period of time whilst the winged boots will allow Milon to "glide" when he jumps. Though it's the "clothes" that make the biggest impact to the game and it's also what acts as Milon's health meter. When he's wearing green clothes he has full health, if he gets hit his clothes will turn to blue and another hit will turn him to red. If Milon gets hit when he's red he will die.

The game features around 40 levels each of which are themed and will see Nilon going through the forest, a food world, a snow world and a fire world (amongst others) all of which look amazing and have charm oozing out of them. Within most levels is a what appears to be a star, these need to be collected on every level inside a world before the player can face that worlds boss, with many later levels having a number of routes through, many of which will see the player failing to get the star.

Despite looking cute, innocent and at times childish the game is incredibly challenging, especially the bosses (the Snow world boss had me swearing much louder than it should have) though the game is rewarding and you feel as if you MUST beat the boss and see the rest of the game.

Whilst SNES owners did have a number of excellent platformers to play around the world (including the Super Mario World and Donkey Country series) this game holds it's own with any other SNES game out there. It looks incredible, it sounds brilliant, it's oozing charm, the levels are excellent throughout, the game is challenging. Whilst the game is now available on the Virtual Console it's a mystery as to why it was never released in the US or Europe in the 90's as it really would have done very well.

Despite being totally in Japanese (apart from "Hudson Soft" and "Stereo" on the title screen) it's simple enough to play and understand and is thoroughly enjoyable from start to end. If you can get you mitts on it DO!

92%

Details:
Console-Super Famicom (Japan Only)
Release-1996
Developer-Hudson Soft
Genre-2D Platformer
Players-1

Trivia:
The game was a sequel to the NES game Milon's Secret Castle (which did get a US release)
A fan translated version of the game can be found and is called "Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon's Quest"